No Going Back Now
by Sterlo90
Summary: It's 2 months after the Victrola incident. Blair gets some unexpected news and suddenly the words Are You Sure are more torturous than ever
1. Chapter 1

It was 6am and Blair Waldorf was hunched over the toilet emptying the contents of her stomach. Tears stained her face. "This can't be happening!" she thinks to herself.

She'd been all right for 6 months. Six months and not once had this happened. How could she be relapsing, after all those sessions? She thought that she had recovered. But here she was feeling queasy and vomiting again.

When her light-headedness passed. She pulled herself up off the floor and over to the hand basin. She looked at her dull face and lifeless eyes in the mirror. Something was different. Before she willed herself to be sick but now she wanted nothing more than to stop. She reached for her phone and dialed Serena's number. It rang three times before she picked up. A sleepy Serena answering the phone.

"S I need you" Blair pleaded, "I can't stop. Please come."

Serena was suddenly wide-awake. There was no need for Blair to explain. Serena knew exactly what was wrong.

"B I'll be there in 10 minutes!"

"I'm sorry to wake you its just.." Blair's voice trailed off.

"B I'll be there. Don't worry." Serena said reassuringly.

Blair knew Serena would know how to fix this.

At exactly 6:10 Blair heard the elevator bell ding and Serena calling her name. S ran to her best friends bedroom only to find her crumpled on the floor of the bathroom. Serena had never seen Blair this disheveled ever. Even when this started she always managed to look graceful. But now, the girl on the floor looked nothing like Blair Waldorf.

"I don't know what's happening to me S" Blair cried.

"I thought everything was ok" Serena asked calmly.

"Me too. I thought yesterday was just a one off thing. But here I am again this morning same time" Blair whimpered at the realisation she was relapsing and she couldn't control it.

Serena sat down next to her best friend and held her. "What do you mean you can't control it?

Blair looked up at Serena, annoyance clearly visible in her expressions.

"Like I wake up every morning at 6 and this wave comes over me and I feel sick and then here I am on the floor crying."

Serena is confused. This isn't like the last time. Everything is fine. Blair is happy. Isn't she?

Serena just looks at her best friend. Confusion washes over her. This isn't like before and Serena doesn't know how to fix it this time. Trying to lighten the mood of the already depressing Saturday morning, Serena jokingly says, "Maybe it's morning sickness!"

Blair's body freezes up and her expression drops.

"Well I thought it was funny." Serena muses. But as her laugh subsides she notices the change in Blair's face.

"B you're not pregnant are you?"

Everything rushes through Blair's head. "No I can't be. It's too early. I only slept with Chuck like... Christmas was 3 weeks ago, and the Ball was a week before that and Thanks Giving was 4 weeks before that meaning Victrola was 2 weeks before that...

Oh my god it's been nearly 2 and a half months since she slept with the infamous womanizer Chuck Bass."

Blair's heart drops and her stomach lurches as she once again leans over the toilet bowl.

Serena's concern grows as Blair continues to be sick and she hears Blair mumble something about 10 weeks. It is at this moment that Serena realises the severity of the situation and fears sets in. Because this time she knows there's no shrink that can fix this sickness.

"Blair how could this have happened?" "I thought you and Nate were broken up then?"

Blair lets out a whimper and slowly responds.

"S I never slept with Nate! It's not his." At this Blair breaks down.

Serena looks down at her best friend crumpled on her lap and realises she doesn't know what to do.

Minutes pass. Both sit there comforting and being comforted in silence. However Serena is racking her brains, trying to find the right words to ask her BF whom she's been sneaking around with. But she comes up blank. The silence says it all. Blair knows what Serena is trying to say.

Finally she comes out and says it and Serena is glad she is sitting down.

"I don't know what I was thinking. It's just he was there" she pauses before continuing, "I felt special. He made me feel loved." All the confessions spilling from Blair's mouth and still the question was unanswered.

Serena looks at Blair with her signature 'go on' stare, willing Blair to continue.

Blair looks at her best friend and takes one last breath.

"I've secretly been having an affair with...'" she hesitates "CHUCK " Blair releases the breath she didn't know she was holding.

That's it the cat's out of the bag and Blair knows it. She sees the disgust on her best friends face and realises no one is ever going to understand this.

She didn't even understand it. It was always supposed to be Nate. Her virginity was her most scared gift and it was supposed to be for Nate and Nate only. But somehow Blair Waldorf ended the evening of her break up slightly inebriated and in the arms of her ex's best friend a.k.a UES's infamous Chuck Bass.

* * *

_This is my first ever fan fic so please be gentle. If its crap tell me and I'll gladly hand over the reign of this creation. I love the Chuck Blair combo and I feel like that really need to be together. Any feedback would be awesome. Sometimes I get ideas and rush ahead without forming them properly._


	2. Chapter 2

**Ok 2nd attempt. If its straying too far from the original idea please tell me. I'm kinda making it up as I go. Also since im new to this if its too raunchy or its too long blame Ed Westwick for being so dam sexy. But also tell me so i can fix it. Thanks.**

* * *

"_You sure?" _

Oh how that one phrase had turned her life upside down in a matter of months.

* * *

Blair Waldorf had been in Chuck's limo numerous times, but that night something was different. Chuck was different. She didn't know if it was her little performance at Victrola, the break up or just the fact that she was drunk, but he wasn't Chuck Bass 'womanizer' that night. He was just Chuck. Blair had known Chuck since grade school and even an inebriated Blair knew this was a very rare occasion indeed. Feeling pleased at herself for eliciting this change in his behaviour Blair turned to face Chuck.

"Thanks for the lift home." She smiled warmly.

He felt uncomfortable. She had put him on edge and all sorts of feelings and thoughts were rushing through his mind at that moment. But all he could manage to say was "You were amazing out there"

She held his gaze. The sincerity in Chuck's words had penetrated Blair Waldorf's defenses. She looked into his eyes and all she knew was that he wanted her and her alone. Blair's heart rate sped up as she leaned in and kissed Chuck. Right then, as their lips met all of her resolve and reason went out the window. Chuck could feel her lips against his own and his heart fluttered. Nothing had ever affected him as she did.

Chuck's other sense kicked in and he pulled back. He was Chuck Bass of course he wanted this. He wanted her. But more than anything he needed to be sure she wanted him. That she wanted this. He looked into her eyes and in the strongest voice he could muster he asked her permission. "You sure?"

Blair looked at him, his eyes filled with hesitation. There was no need for a response, she simply leaned in once more and kissed him. But this time her kiss was killed with passion and desire. She took control of the situation, kissing him passionately while her hands roamed his body.

She felt amazing. He made her feel amazing. He held onto the small of her back while his hand caressed her thigh. He deepened the kiss and she unconsciously let out a little moan. This sign of satisfaction only further fuelled Chuck's desire for Blair and her desire for him.

As she half straddled Chuck's lap she ran her hands through his hair edging herself closer and closer to him searching for some sort of release. Chuck's hands continued to roam her soft, silky skin. He thought he was in heaven. He couldn't believe how Nate could have let her go. If she were his she would never leave his sight. He threaded his fingers through the straps of her slip, gently sliding them down her shoulders. She shivered under his touch but soon found her self again and started ripping his jacket from his body, all the while never removing her lips from his.

He was a drug and she couldn't get enough. She pulled at his bow tie and quickly discarded it to the floor and started on his shirt. His shirt on the other hand took a bit longer, her hands fumbled with the buttons. Chuck didn't mind, it gave him more time to marvel at her beauty. God she was beautiful. He couldn't understand how anyone could compare her to Serena. She was graceful, elegant, smart, witty and beautiful. She was perfect. She was Blair Waldorf. She was one of a kind. He was ripped from his trance however when he felt Blair's soft, warm hands making her way down his stomach to his pants. Suddenly he felt nervous. He was Chuck Bass and he was letting her call the shots. He flipped her over onto her back and continued caressing her breasts, while feverously attacking her neck with his mouth. Blair tried to maintain composure as she continued to undo his belt. When she got to his pants, her hand suddenly stopped. Her hands were shaking Nerves were starting to get the better of her now. Where was that dam champagne when she needed it she thought.

He noticed her uncertainty and stopped. He looked into her eyes, hesitation once again clouding his beautiful brown eyes. Blair registered his expression and lunged at him ravishing his lips once more. Convinced Chuck moved to remove her satin slip, he slid the material down her body following the material with his mouth leaving butterfly kisses in his wake. He peeled off her tights and removed himself from his pants not once breaking eye contact with her. Now only left in their underwear Blair straddled Chucks lap now aware of the effect she had on him, she blushed. He kissed her even more forcefully and she reciprocated. She was in heaven and all of a sudden her back involuntarily arched as Chuck delicately rubbed her until her found the spot that made her moan.

He couldn't believe the restraint he was showing. If this was just another bimbo he'd be long finished by now. But this was Blair Waldorf and he knew this had to be special for her. She pulled at his boxes. Warm breath on his ear as she pleaded. "Chuck" he knew now was the time and boy was she going to enjoy the Chuck Bass experience.

* * *

"You sure? If there were two words Blair Waldorf never wanted to hear again then they were it. Those two words that led to Chuck and now to this whole mistake. Blair looked down at the two thin lines on her home pregnancy test. Defeat in her eyes. Serena looked at her friend hopefully. "Maybe it's a mistake?"

Blair just closed her eyes. "Serena maybe one test could make a mistake. But what are the chances that 5 different products could all make the same mistake?"

She exhaled and opened her eyes.

"You Sure?"

God she hated those words.


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks to all the feedback. It keeps me going knowing that im not the only living this fantasy.**

* * *

_"What are you going to do?"_ Serena looks at her best friend with a worried look.

_"What I have to."_ Blair responds in a despondent tone.

_"But right now I'm going out for some fresh air."_

_"Do you want to come with you?"_

Blair looks at Serena's expression. Why is she scared? I'm the one whose life has just systematically destructed.

_"No I need to think. I'll be fine. I.. just need some time."_ Blair responds trying to reassure her best friend. She goes to her cupboard finds the nearest trench, picks up her 'audrey' sunglasses; the ones designed to hide her face and heads for the door. She looks back at Serena with a warm smile. _" I'll come find you if I need anything I promise."_

With that Blair descends the stairs. Her mind racing and her heart sinking at the realisation there is no going back now.

She sits in the park, for God knows how long. Usually Blair Waldorf wouldn't been seen dead in Central but that's exactly why she chose this seat, this spot. She wont be bothered. Her mind is once again racing. She can't seem to quiet her mind anymore. The revelation has put her on the edge and she knows it shows in her appearance. The usually perfectly pressed, classy Blair Waldorf was now disheveled and lacking her usually pristine make up and her hair was everywhere. The frosty wind wasn't helping anything either.

_"Yale, Nate, 2.5 kids, picket fence"_ the plan rushes through her head. That's how it was supposed to be. But now, the plan was changing. But did she have the courage to change it back. She thought about it for a while. Abortion. Even the word sounded horrible. Could she really do it? Sure if it was just Chuck's but it was her's too. 'It'. The word just sounded so cold, so inhuman. She started wondering if the baby was a girl or a boy. Who would it look like? Would it have her chocolate brown curls or would it have Chuck's thick dark hair? Would it have her doe eyes or his piercing brown ones? Would it have her perfect pout or his sexy smirk? Would it be a charming ladies man like Chuck or would it be a prim and proper lady like her?

_"No"_ she said to herself out loud. What was she thinking. Already contemplating who her child was going to be and Chuck. What role would he play in this fiasco? However that was one question she wasn't quite ready to ask herself. Not yet anyway.

Her fairytale life with Nate, Yale, 2.5 kids and the picket fence was quickly disappearing in her mind. The kids part of the plan was already upon her but it was 10 years too early and Nate wouldn't be the adoring husband like in the fairytale. It was over and she knew it.

She was ripped from her reverie when she suddenly noticed all the children playing in the park. _"Were there that many when she first sat down?"_ she thought or was her subconscious trying to really kick her ass. It was too late and she knew. The plan had changed now and there was no scheming or sweet talking that could get it back on track now. She had to break up with Nate. It was the only way. Her head slumped in defeat. Staring at her stomach, she knew she could never kill her child. She could never be like her own mother. She would love this child unconditionally. She wouldn't try to erase her own mistakes on this baby. Despite the fact that this wasn't planned she decided right there and then that she was going to make this work. Without Nate by her side.

She looked down at her phone and started texting.

_**Nate can you meet me for dinner 2night the Palace. 8. We need 2 tlk. B **_

_**B of course I'll be there. Love N**_

* * *


	4. Chapter 4

She exhales deeply. She needed to go home and prepare herself. Write a speech maybe. Cos right now she had no idea what she was going to say when the time came. Wait a minute. The Palace she hadn't thought about it. It was just instinctual. Chuck. The Palace. Oh god she could not run the risk of running into him. Tonight's date just got harder. She hadn't seen Chuck since, the Ball. He had managed to avoid her. Or she had managed to avoid him. Now with this new revelation, he was the last person she needed to see. She had to figure out what to say to Nate first. She couldn't even fathom what she was going to do in regards to Chuck and this situation.

Maybe he'll just continue to avoid me she thought. Well she was going to have to be happy with that, because changing her plans with Nate was not going to happen.

She looked in the mirror. She was pleased with the outcome. She was wearing a simple Phillip Lim knee length dress with black Prada pumps. She didn't look hot. But that was the whole idea. Remain casual and calm. She looked at the time and it was 7:45. By

the time she caught a cab and got to the Palace, Nate would hopefully be waiting and she could get this over with. She took one last look in the mirror and headed for the elevator.

"Remember the plan" she repeated to herself. Nate would ultimately try to talk her out of the break up so she needed to reveal a few details of her liaison with Chuck. Not enough to indicate it was him, but just enough to ensure that Nate would let this go. Let her go.

Boy this was going to hurt. But not as much as telling him that she was pregnant with his best friend's baby. Because that was one truth she would take to her grave.

She walked into the Palace dining room scanning it for Chuck. "Thank God" she muttered. Nate on the other hand was seated at their table in the back, looking at the wine list. As she sauntered over to their table, he stood to greet her. He kissed her on the cheek and she shuddered. Of course the one time she wanted him to ignore her, Nate was surprisingly attentive.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah just a little cold"

She sits down and he can tell she is nervous.

"Your message sounded kinda cryptic. What did you want to talk about?" He looks at you with those gorgeous green eyes and now you wonder if those 40 minutes in Chuck's limo were really worth it. This is definitely gonna hurt.

You look into his beautiful eyes one more time and take a deep breath.

"Nate. This isn't working. I think we should break up." You say it so fast, your not sure he heard you. But the dumbfounded look on his face tells you otherwise.

"What? I thought everything was fine?" He gives you an intense stare but you go on.

" I can't keep pretending it's like it was before. I thought I could do this but I can't"

He continues to stare at you like he's dreaming, because you've never been this serious before.

"But Blair I love you. We can fix this."

Your hand starts to shake because out of the corner of your eye you catch a glimpse of Chuck Bass. You need to finish this quickly so you decide to bring out the big guns.

"Nate" you voice crackles, "Everything about us is a lie. You don't love me. If you did you would have never cheated on me." Nate goes to speak but you continue even as the tears start to well in your eyes. "I obviously don't love you anymore. Or I wouldn't have never.." you pause, trying to hold back the tears as Nate stares at you.

"Or I would never have slept with someone else when we broke up."

Tears are flowing from you eyes now, but you go on. "See everything is a lie." You voice cracks and you see Chuck glance towards the table as you start crying.

Nate clears his throat, as if he is about to say something. All he manages is, "Who?"

You look at him your make up running. You don't respond. You simply look at him and say "Nate I can't see you again." You quickly get up before he can say anything and before Chuck see your face. Once you reach the doors you start to run, knowing the tears are just a precursor to a pain far worse than what you've just endured.

Chuck walks over to the table where his best friend is seated.

"Nathaniel. What was that all about?"

Chuck takes a sit and suddenly realises something is seriously wrong. Nate's face is blank and Chuck can't read his thoughts like he usually can.

"Blair.." Nate starts to speak, but just shakes his head. Boy is he confused and angry. He did not see that one coming. There was someone else!

"Nathaniel" Chuck breaks his trance.

"It's over for good. She was just like everything is a lie."

Chuck looks at his best friend and wonders what Blair is scheming now.

"She said she didn't love me and that she doesn't want to see me again"

Nate's words shook Chuck. What was going on here. Queen B dumping her prince. There had to be something more to this.

"That's all she said. Just some shit about everything being a lie?" Chuck's voice reeked of fake sincerity.

Nate looked desolated and Chuck knew he shouldn't be taking so much pleasure in this scenario.

"She was with someone else…" Nate spits out, like the words are poisonous to him.

Now the inner smirk is wiped off Chuck's face.

"She wouldn't say who though. All she said was that she didn't want to see me anymore."

Nate's head falls into his hands in defeat, while Chuck sits there resuming Nate's dumbfounded expression.


	5. Chapter 5

* * *

Her eyes sting as tears fall from her face as she stands in the cold, waiting for a cab. She's sure she just saw someone snap a picture of her with their camera phone. _"Great"_ she thinks, _"That's all she needs right now. Gossip Girl spraying rumours of an ugly break up once again, like her birthday wasn't enough."_

A cab finally stops and she hops in and heads home. When she gets home she's glad Eleanor isn't awake or isn't home, she's been far too preoccupied to remember what's on her mother's calendar. She walks into the kitchen, maybe food will make me feel better. She didn't realised she was so famished until she got home, the drama of the night suppressed her hunger. She stands with the fridge door open staring in at the contents. She picks up a plate of salad, Dorota had obviously left for her. She grabs the plate and heads up stairs. Maybe if I just stay numb the pain will go away. Blair tries this tack for a while but as soon as she's finished her salad and her hunger has subsided, the pain of her situation is thrown back in her face. She looks at her phone, it's 9:30 but she needs S so she texts her anyway. Surely her needs were greater than Cabbage Patch at the moment. Within minutes her phone rings, as she picks it up she reads the caller i.d. It's Chuck. She groans. Oh she is so not ready for that conversation tonight. One was hard enough. She lets it ring out.

* * *

Chuck is hiding in his bedroom, while Nate is at the bar pouring him self another scotch. He feels childish for hiding in the bedroom but he doesn't want Nate to see him right now. Chuck flips through his phone and finds Blair's number and hits enter. He's so unsure of himself right now and the whole Nate Blair situation has made it even worse.

The phone rings. After 5 rings, he knows she's ignoring his call. Blair Waldorf always answered her phone on the 3rd ring. It was kinda OCD but it was her thing and he knew her well enough to know she was ignoring him. He waited for voice message and when the tone beeped he didn't know what to say.

_"Um Blair it's me. Ah Nate told me what happened. What's going on? I mean you didn't want me and now you're throwing Nathaniel away. I'm confused. I know something's wrong. It's me. Please call me back."_

Ugh what was that? Chuck Bass sounding desperate. He never did desperate, not until Blair anyway. He threw his phone down on his bed frustrated. This whole situation was weirder, and not knowing what was the cause frustrated him even more. He heard Nate knocking over a bottle at the bar and decided to join his friend in drowning his sorrows. Of course he'd probably have to be the BFF and hold Nate's hair when he reached his limit. But of course Chuck's guilt over his involvement in this whole thing meant he had major brownie points to make up for this to be ok.

* * *

Blair heard the elevator bell ding and didn't bother to get out of bed, she knew it would be Serena. And as usual she was right. S opened her bedroom door and smiled at her best friend. _"You rang?"_ Serena mused.

She walked over and laid down on the bed with Blair. _"So what did you decide with your thinking time?"_

Blair laughed. The decisions were already made and the actions executed.

_"I broke up with Nate"_

Serena is shocked. _"You what? Why?"_

Blair just looked up at her Serena. _"S I'm keeping the baby. So I can't be with Nate. It's not right for me and it's certainly not fair to him"_

Blair feels a weight suddenly lift off her shoulders. Saying it out loud with a ration tone had made this so much easier to bear.

_"What about Chuck?"_ S quizzes.

And the weight is back on the shoulders. Blair lets out a deep sigh and buries her face in her pillow.

_"I don't think I'm going to tell him."_

_"B I think in 3 months time when you start looking well um pregnant, he's gonna know!"_

Blair laughs at this. She hadn't actually thought about the whole being pregnant, the getting big issue before. _"I'm not going to fit any of my clothes! My feet are gonna swell. "_ Blair starts crying, it's hitting home know. _"Oh all my shoes."_

Serena represses a laugh. _"B I don't think your shoe collection is gonna matter. What are you going to do about Chuck? I mean I know I'm not his biggest fan and I have no idea what it was that drew you to him but B he needs to know."_

You take in what your best friend says, but you know she hasn't really thought about it.

Because if she had she would realise, it wont work. You're Blair Waldorf; Queen B of UES. He's Chuck Bass serial womanizer. Just because he had butterflies once does not mean he's ready to play house with you. He can't get through the week without sex, pot and alcohol. He's not ready for fatherhood and your not ready for the world to know that the 'virgin' Waldorf gave it up to Chuck Bass. Can you imagine what that would do to my reputation? Not to mention my mother's. Their family had just gotten over the whole Harry Waldorf is gay fiasco, they couldn't deal with teen pregnancy right now. Especially when the father is Chuck Bass and she's chosen to keep it.

Blair looks at her naïve best friend, _"Oh how the tables have turned"_ she thinks.

_"S. I'm Blair Waldorf, Eleanor Waldorf's daughter. He's… Chuck Bass. No one would ever understand or accept my decision."_

Serena starts to see her point, even her initial reaction what that of revulsion.

_"What are you going to do then?"_ S asks knowing she may not like the answer.

_"I can't stay."_ You know those words sound strange as they leave your mouth but you know it's the only way. You're not gonna tell Chuck and you can't be around Nate.

You look to your best friend. _"I love you. You know that. But I'm not staying in New York. I can't stay"_

Serena's eyes start glistening. She's just got her best friend back after a year of alienation and she's losing her already.

"_You can come visit. Dad's got an amazing vineyard. Come at Easter. I mean it's not like any of us are religious it can be your excuse to get away."_

Your eyes start to sting now. You know tears aren't that far off.

_"S you have to promise me something though."_

Serena looks at her best friend, she can't believe any of this is happening

_"Of course B. I mean best friends forever right."_

Blair's tears flood her face now but she pushes on.

_"Serena know one can know where I've gone or why? Not even Dan cos Jenny has big ears!"_

Serena understands what she is asking and accepts without hesitation. _"Of course. How long will you be gone?"_

Blair is silent as she thinks. _"I'll finish my schooling over there and have the baby and hopefully be back for your second year at Brown."_

_"What about Yale?"_ Serena asks. She finally realises the sacrifices B's making.

Blair mocks insult _"Geez Serena I'm pregnant not dying. I'll make it to Yale. It will just take me a little bit longer."_

Serena gets up and pulls her best friend into a bear hug, like old times. _"Promise me you call. I wanna be there for you and little Chuck Jnr" _Serena cries.

_"Excuse me but it will be Blair jnr. The world doesn't need another Chuck running around."_

They both laugh into each other's hair while they continue to cry.

* * *

Serena stands at the airport crying. She's just watched her best friend take off for her biggest adventure yet and she knows it will be months before she sees her again. God if someone had told her that this would happen a year ago she would have laughed at them like they were crazy. But here she was at the airport secretly seeing off her best friend. Hoping, everything will sort itself out in the end.

* * *

_**Gossip Girl here**_

_**Latest news on my web page. Queen B herself trying to leave the country very discreetly. Too bad S had to put on the waterworks. Where's B off to in such a hurry? But most importantly when will she be back?**_


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks so much for the reviews. If it weren't for them this chapter and the next one wouldn't exist.**

* * *

Chuck looked at his cell phone, shut his eyes and looks again. He cannot believe what he is seeing. Blair doing a 'Serena' and escaping New York. He shakes his head, this cannot be happening. It was Blair Waldorf, she didn't run from anything, she faced them head on and won. Always. But looking at the Gossip Girl website now and seeing the latest news, everything he thought he knew about Blair flew out the window. He threw his phone on the bed, walked to the bar, and poured himself a scotch. Maybe this would make things seem clearer. Even though the thought was illogical, Chuck kept drinking. He wasn't sure if Blair leaving had anything to do with him yet, but the sinking feeling in his stomach wasn't reassuring. His Mother had left him, maybe he had once again unconsciously pushed another person he loved from his life. He closed his eyes, a small chuckle escaped his mouth. This was Blair, the same girl who asked him to murder his butterflies. Nothing he ever did would be cause enough for her to up and leave her fairytale life with Nate. He looked at his glass and filled it again. _"Nah this is something completely unrelated to him"_ he thought. But of course it still niggled at him. _"OK"_ he thought, _"I'll just go suss out the whole situation with Serena, discreetly of course."_

With that he put down his glass, pulled on his jacket and headed for the door. He would discreetly see what Serena knew. On Nate's behalf of course.

Chuck found himself standing outside the Van Der Woodsen door, unable to move. He didn't know what he was going to say. For once Chuck Bass was speechless.

He took a final deep breath and knock on the front door and waited. A few seconds later a bubbly possibly drunk Serena answered the door. "_Chuuck"_ she slurred, _"What are you doing here? Your room is a few flights up."_

Chuck looked at Serena, she wasn't making any sense so this was going to be fun.

_"Um I just wanted to stop by. See how your going after Blair left?"_

Serena's smiled dropped. "_Really? You want to know how I'm going?"_

Chuck smirked, _"Ok maybe this wasn't going to be as easy as he thought."_

_"Yeah you know Nate's a mess and he doesn't exactly know what's going on. I thought I'd stop by suss things out for him. You know she just kinda up and left it was all very dramatic on her part as usual."_

Serena glared at Chuck. She may be drunk, but she could see right through his bullshit.

_"Chuck. Chuck. Chuck. Surely you could come up with a better excuse than Nathaniel's a mess?"_

He just stared at her. His tone changed, he was no longer the charmer. It was time to get down to business.

_"Serena where is she?"_

Serena just laughed. _"Chuck, why would I tell you anything? You would just cause a scene."_

He was starting to get pissed now. He wasn't used to not getting his own way.

_"Serena"_ Chuck's tone was aggravated now.

Serena just rolled her eyes. _"She's on an early vacation."_ She smiled discreetly. _"Some holiday she thought"_

Chuck glared at her. "_How long?"_

_"Indefinitely"_

_"Where?"_

Serena's smile dropped now as she turned on her serious face. _"I don't know Chuck. But you need to leave her alone. She will come home when she is ready."_

Chuck just smirked at her, which just pissed her off even more.

_"I mean it Chuck leave her alone. Don't make her drop you like she dropped Nate!"_

_"Fine."_ Chuck sprayed before turning to leave. If he was angry before, he was pissed now. Serena hadn't really told him anything and he still needed to know why she left.

Serena wouldn't tell him anything more and he knew it. If he wanted answers he would have to find Blair himself.

* * *

2 Months Later In The South of France

Once again Chuck found himself standing at someone's door, completely speechless.

It had taken him 2 months, 4 investigators and a crap load of cash to find her. The time it took to find her, said it all. She was hiding. He just didn't know why.

It took Nate little over a month to stop moping around. Chuck had insisted that his best friend try to move on. He knew Blair would be back in no time and it was pointless for Nate to be wallowing around while she was off doing God knows what. When Nate was called to his Grandfather's estate in Connecticut for the long weekend, Chuck took the opportunity to seek out Blair. The flight had seemed like hell. He hated flying, he thought of the Lost the entire flight, which was stupid because Gabriel his pilot used to fly Air Force One. There was no way they were going to crash. But that didn't stop him from freaking out when they hit turbulence. Chuck was more than relieved when he landed in the airport. His car was waiting for him and he hoped in. He'd chosen a simple BMW for this trip, he didn't need to draw any extra attention to himself. Two hours later he was in Blaye and was staring at Harry Waldorf's estate. It was magnificent, but he didn't really expect anything less from a Waldorf.

He took a deep breath, after standing in front of the door for at least 5 minutes he decided to ring the bell. A maid answered the door and ushered him into the foyer. She told him to wait there for one moment while she went and got Miss Waldorf for him. This was it. He was finally going to see Blair and everything would be explained.

Blair was sitting in the alfresco area with a long black shawl wrapped around her. It didn't matter that the bulk of winter had passed, she still found the wind a bit to cool for her liking. She heard the door bell but shrugged it off. Just another peasant farmer for her father probably. It wasn't until her maid came out to the balcony that she even registered that the person was waiting for her.

_"Miss Waldorf there is a Mr Charles Bass here to see you."_

Blair's faced dropped. _"That maid is so fired"_ she thinks, _"Doesn't she know the line, Miss Waldorf isn't here. She left two weeks ago to go on tour with her cousins."_ Yep that was the line her previous maid was informed to tell any guests if they came looking. Obviously this one was misinformed as to the level of privacy Blair received here.

_"Tell the gentleman I am not here."_ Blair glowered.

_"Mam."_ The maid began _"I already told him you were home."_

Oh that maid was so dead.

No way out of this one Blair. Maybe it's time to face the music.

She looks at her maid with a mildly pissed expression. _"Send him through then."_

Blair pulls her shawl around her tightly. She is lucky she is still so tiny. With the shawl around her, her stomach is barely even noticeable. However while her appearance is immaculate as usual, it's her heart that's not yet ready for this encounter.


	7. Chapter 7

* * *

Blair runs her hands through her hair one last time. Her books are sprayed across the table and she tries to look interested in gothic architecture rather than that fact that she isn't ready to see him yet.

_"Miss Waldorf will see you now sir. This way."_

The maid ushers Chuck through the hallway and out to the al fresco area. He's scared for some reason and he doesn't know why. But then he sees Blair, sitting at a large wooden table, looking as beautiful as ever and all of a sudden a wave of anger rushes over him.

_"Ok so you're not sick, you don't look like you're dying and your obviously still stinking rich."_ Chuck points to her location. He is pissed he kinda expected something to be seriously wrong. I mean she up and left New York in such a hurry, there had to be something seriously wrong. Right?

"_Come again?"_ Blair sighs.

_"You leave, not a word. You dump Nate. You tell no one where you are or why you left. We thought something was seriously wrong."_ Chuck yells. The anger is evident in his voice now.

Blair is surprised. She did not expect this welcome whatsoever. A smarmy, arrogant Chuck, baiting her with quips about Nate and her break up maybe, but concern. Never.

_"A little bit hypocritical aren't we? Monaco. Remember."_

Chuck just snarls back at her. _"What happened?"_

Blair stares at Chuck. She knows acting dumb will only work for a short time. She isn't worried though there's always a plan b in her arsenal.

_"Excuse me"_

She can tell he's in no mood to play games but she remains nonchalant anyway.

_"Your Blair Waldorf. You don't run away. Not without a good reason anyway. So what's the reason?"_

Blair knows how charming Chuck is and suddenly he's controlling the conversation. I think not

_"Chuck there's not always a big mystery behind everything. And for the record I don't remember ever inviting you. Why are you here?"_ He's not buying it and she knows. He glares at her, she knows her baiting him isn't working.

_"Answers. Your not Serena you don't do random runaways."_

_"If you must know, I'm tired of New York and well with no reason to be there anymore I decided to take an early break. It's not like there's any rule saying I can't"_

Blair turns back to her books, pretending to be bored with the conversation and Chuck. But she knows how persistent he can be and this is far from over.

_"Blair."_ He pushes her book away from her hands. She gives him her trade mark 'I'm annoyed now' stare.

_"I've known you along time. Out of everyone, I'd say I know you the best. I can see through your bullshit. And I'm not going until I've got the truth."_

She's angry now and he knows it. _"Always imposing yourself when it's not wanted. Don't you get it Chuck, I don't want to be in Manhattan. I don't want to be around those people. I want for you to not care, like you do with every other faceless bimbo. I want to be left alone."_

Blair is almost crying now and she can't bear to let him see her tears. She gracefully removes herself from the table, but Chuck grabs her arm forcefully trying to stay in control. She breaks free of his grip and heads for the courtyard. Of course Chuck follows he isn't finished with her yet.

Chuck runs after Blair. None of this makes any sense to him and he didn't come this far to be told off. He could of stayed at home for that.

"_Why? Why are you sick of us? Why did you have to leave? I'm not stupid Blair. All you're doing is avoiding the truth. And I want to know why."_

Blair turns to look at Chuck. Her tears are visible now and she knows it.

God it hurts but the only way for him to leave and never come back is if she tells the truth. Well a fractured version of the truth anyway.

She is trembling but she knows it has to be done.

"_You wanna know why?"_

_"Yes. Isn't that what I've been saying for the last 15 minutes."_

_"Ok"_ her voice cracks, she's never been so afraid in her life. But this is the plan and she doesn't know how to change it now. So it's good-bye Chuck. And after she's finished, she's pretty sure it will be for ever.

_" I couldn't stay. I fell pregnant."_

Chuck steps backwards. He's not sure he's heard her right. He doesn't know what to say. He never expected this. He looks at her and she looks so fragile. He doesn't know what to do.

_"Um. But what about Nate? I mean he would have done the right thing."_

Blair laughs. Typical. Chuck was always so ignorant.

"_I never slept with Nate. After everything I mean I was going to but I just couldn't. Not that it would have changed anything."_ Her smile fades as she turns from Chuck. She can't look at him.

Chuck is once again dumbfounded. _"It's his!"_ He can't believe it. His heart is racing, euphoria is spreading through his whole body. But then his head kicks.

"_Why didn't you tell me?"_ He stares at Blair, he needs more than answer now.

_"Because"_ she yells, _"I did what I always do and I took care of it."_

Chuck's heart drops. The happiness is momentary and reality kicks in.

Blair grabs at her chest. There really is no going back now. Not after this.

"_That's why I left. Don't you get it? I couldn't be with Nate, knowing how oblivious he would be to what I did. I couldn't be Blair Waldorf. I'm not her anymore. And I couldn't stand to be there. Anywhere there."_ Tears are flowing from her face now. The pain is unbearable. Not because what she's saying isn't true. But because she knows this will be killing Chuck.

_"But most importantly. I couldn't bear to see you. I couldn't see you every day. Not after what I did. It just hurts too much."_ She closes her eyes but she keeps going, "_Even now, I see you and all I see is what I did"_

She's shaking and the tears in Chuck's eyes are like knives in her heart.

"_I'm sorry. But I can't see you anymore Chuck. It… It just hurts too much."_

With that she heads for the house as quickly as she can. She turns as she reaches the door. _"You can't come here again. I'm sorry. I'm not ready."_

With those last words, she knows the plan has work and Chuck will never have to worry about playing house with her. It hurts but she knows it's for the best. He can have a life and not have to waste his time trying to make up for a mistake.

* * *

He's not sure how long he stood in that spot. All he knows is that his heart hurts. More than he ever thought imaginable. This isn't the way life was supposed to be. Things aren't supposed to be this hard. But here he is, standing in France, realizing that once again he has unconsciously hurt someone he loved. Chuck Bass has once again destroyed a woman he loved and this time it's irreparable. The trip home is blank. Chuck doesn't even know how he got into his room. Everything seems to be on autopilot. He's numb. He heads for the bar and grabs a bottle of scotch. "Fuck the glass!" he thinks, "He is going to need a lot more than a glass to make this pain stop.

* * *

**Ok so thanks for the reviews they've really been pushing me to finish. I dont really like this chapter i just need to get it over and done with because the next one is what inspired me to write the whole thing.**


	8. Chapter 8

* * *

**Three Years Later**

When Blair left New York for France at 17 she had every intention of returning for second year at Yale. However at 20 and having finished her first year as an art history student at Sorbonne, she still had no desire to return home. Not even Serena and her mother's continual nagging had persuaded her otherwise. She had many reasons for staying in France. She felt settled there, she really loved her studies, Patrick loved his Granddad and his Uncle Roman, and the country air was great for little Patrick. Her list of excuses went on. But in her mind she knew her biggest reason for staying away from New York was her son. Little Patrick would be three soon enough and the older he got, the more he started to look like his father. She knew returning home would mean, facing the music.

She could no longer hide her son away from the world, especially when he bore such a striking resemblance to his father. Blair loved her son, she even rejoiced in the fact that he looked so much like Chuck. For her it was like she would always have a piece of him that no one could take away. Patrick was a spitting image of him and she knew even a stranger could pick it in a crowd even with both of their backs turned. It was that obvious. They had the same piercing brown eyes, the same beautiful lips and the same unruly brown hair that refused to be tamed no matter how long Blair tried to tame it. It seemed the only thing that Patrick got from his mother was her rosy cheeks and impeccable manners. Other than that he was a miniature version of Chuck Bass, sans the scarf.

Blair Waldorf knew if she were to return to New York a mere glance of Patrick and the whole upper east side would know the reason she had left. More importantly they would know who made her leave. Knowing all of this, when Eleanor called and begged her to bring Patrick home for the spring break she had caved and said yes. But at least she would have back up. Harold and Roman would be joining her as well.

* * *

It was an early Saturday morning and Nathaniel Archibald was sitting in his usual spot in Central Park, waiting for his best friend. As usual Chuck was late, probably hung over from some wild escapade from the night before. He fidgeted with his phone almost temped to call him but resisted when out of the corner of his eye a familiar brunette caught his attention. She was sitting at a bench 50 meters away, reading the newspaper. But even at this distance Nate knew exactly who she was. His breath hitched in his chest. He had waited so long for a moment like this. After months of trying to find her 3years ago he came accepted the fact that she did not want him finding her. But now here she was in Central Park none the less and looking as beautiful as ever. He got up from his seat and started to make his way over to her. So much time had been wasted but he was gonna make up for it now. 

_"Blair"_ Nate yelled he didn't mean to raise his voice but his nerves got the better of him.

She froze. She'd know that voice anywhere.

_"Why did it have to be so soon she thought."_ And then her heart dropped. Patrick was only a few feet away feeding the ducks with Roman. _"Play it cool Waldorf"_ she says to herself.

_"Nate? Oh my god is that you?"_ She laughed nervously, trying to keep the mood casual.

Nate just looked at her with a big goofy grin and those beautiful green eyes once again piercing her heart. She was not ready for this. Three years wasn't enough.

_"Um how have you been? I heard about Dartmouth of course. I'm sure the Captain is pleased."_ She looks towards the pond discreetly and before returning her attention to Nate.

_"Yeah they weren't too thrilled about USC so Dartmouth it was."_ He looks at her closely. _"Blair where have you been?"_ The anxiety and hurt now evident in his voice.

She notices the change and knows that the situation is going somewhere she's not ready to go. She takes a deep breath and knows she needs to keep this brief.

_"France. Daddy owns a vineyard over there so I went and joined him you know how I love Paris. Couldn't resist the offer."_

Then all of a sudden her perfect lie is crushed. Blair turns to see Patrick crying and running towards her, holding his right index finger like it might fall off. She gathers him up in her arms and tries to comfort him all the while avoiding Nate's shocked face.

He is sobbing profusely but not enough to stop him from telling Blair about the horrible ducks. _"Mommy"_ Patrick sobs _"The black duck bit me."_

Blair pats him on the back gently. _"It's alright honey. Let me look at it."_ Blair holds her sons tiny finger and kisses it gently. _"Better?"_

His sobs have subsided now and he just nods. But he continues holding onto his mother.

She knows he's always one to cause drama. But she wouldn't have him any other way.

Roman rushes over, _"I'm sorry he got away from me for a second. You know how he gets with animals." _

She looks to her 'step dad' and says _"It's fine. Every lesson is a valuable lesson. At least now he wont touch ducks now. That wipes one species off the list."_ She laughs nervously. Patrick was attracted to animals even at this young age. However not every animal felt the same way about him, so she was constantly kissing some part of his body better after an encounter.

She turns to look at Nate for the first time in what seems like forever. Her breathing is now erratic and she can't handle this for much longer. He's still in shock and Blair's face is beyond flushed.

_"Nate.."_ she exhales softly, _"This is Patrick Alexander Waldorf. My son."_

Nate just looks at Blair and the little boy cradled in her arms. He is lost for words.

_"I don't know what to say."_ He just stares at the boy. God how did this happen. Everything he thought he knew about Blair was just obliteration.

_"I know. It's too much. Too soon. I didn't want you to find out like this."_

Her voice is shaky now and he sees the distress in her eyes. He knows she's on the verge of tears but he is so shocked he doesn't know what to do.

Blair turns to wipe her face. She has to get out of here because this is all too much and too soon.

She clears her voice and resumes her gaze to him.

_"Nate I've gotta go. I uh I have brunch with Serena. But I'll uh. I'll come see you."_ She smiles weakly.

He just stares at her blankly. _"Yeah I'd really like that. I just. I don't know what's happening here…"_

"_I know. And I'll explain everything. Just not here."_

_"Yeah sure.."_ His voice is weak and his head is hurting. Or maybe it's his heart? He's not sure either way.

Blair puts Patrick down and he runs off to Roman who is waiting nearby. She gathers her newspaper and takes one last glance at Nate. _"I'll come see you."_ And with that she turns and walks away with Roman and Patrick.

* * *

Nate is standing there and watching her walk off when he hears another familiar voice from behind him. _"I'm sorry I'm late. Bart decided he needed an emergency meeting with me at 8:00 in the morning. It was unavoidable. I'm sorry."_

Chuck looks at his best friend. It's like he didn't register anything he just said, like he was stuck in a trance. _"Nate"_ he raises his voice.

He finally registers what has his friend so entranced. His stomach drops and he feels a crushing weight on his chest. Out of the corner of his eye he spots her and all he can say is. _"Is that Blair Waldorf?"_ It's a stupid question and he knows it. He'd recognise her anywhere. He breaks his stare to see Nate just nodding his head.

Then the small boy catches his attention. _"Who's the rug rat?"_

Nate finally broke free from his trance and turned to Chuck anger boiling under his calm exterior. While Nate was oblivious to the affair between his best friend and his girl during high school, he wasn't stupid. One look at Blair's son and all he saw was Chuck. Nate took one deep breath, looked at his very confused best friend and simply said.

_"That is Patrick Alexander Waldorf."_ He sighed, _"Or should I say Bass?"_

Chuck felt like he was just sucker punched right in the stomach. He slumped onto the nearest bench, looking like he had just seen a ghost. He just sat there with his mouth open, frozen to the seat. He didn't know what to do. _"She lied. How could she have lied to me? Why would she lie to me? Was she that ashamed?"_ All these thoughts went rushing through Chuck's head.

Nate looks at his supposed best friend with disgust. Never in a million years would he have thought Chuck would do this to him. But looking at his friend, he knows he's just as shocked as he is. _"Is it possible that Blair wouldn't even have told Chuck?"_

Nate starts feeling sympathetic for Chuck. He shakes his head. _"Why am I feeling sorry for this jack arse? He knocked up my girl, the love of my life."_

Nate looks at Chuck and notices the tears welling in his eyes. He hasn't seen him cry since he was 5. He didn't even think it was humanly possible for Chuck Bass to cry. It's at this moment, he realises their both screwed and it doesn't really matter who's at fault.

Nate slumps down onto the park bench too. They just sit there staring into oblivion. There are no words for the situation these two friends have found themselves in.

* * *

**Sorry this has taken so long. I was torn between two different paths for this story. Plus my BFF moved interstate the other day so I'm no gonna see her for at least 6 months. Not even CB could get me out of my mopy state. But I'm back n ready for some criticism. Please review**


	9. Chapter 9

* * *

Her hands shook has she left the park. She knew three years wasn't enough time. Blair Waldorf knew there hadn't been enough time to make things better between her and Nate. But she knew once dear old Nathaniel told his best friend, like she knew he would, it wouldn't matter how much time she had. Things would never be ok between her and Chuck. 

There were so many times that she wanted to tell him the truth. When she went into labour three weeks early she was so scared. She knew Serena wasn't going to make it in time, she was alone and all she wanted was for Chuck to be there. He had a strange way of calming her down no matter the situation and she had needed him then. But she knew after what she had said, all she had done to him that he would never be that person for her again. So she didn't call.

When she held her son in her arms for the first time, she once again wished Chuck was there. He should have been there. But this was the way it was meant to be she thought and she wasn't going to let an overdose of emotions change that plan. It was better this way. However when she looked at her son all she saw was Chuck, so she settled for always having a piece of him with her in her son.

When he got his first tooth, his first steps, his first words. Every time little Patrick had done something new, deep down she wanted to share them with Chuck. But he wasn't that guy. She knew he couldn't be that guy for her so she settled for Serena. Picture after picture. Phone call after phone call. After a while it started to feel like she didn't really need for Chuck to be there, she had redirected all those emotions to Serena. Blair loved her best friend so much that she made her Patrick's God Mother. It seemed only fitting. He had two fathers in the form of her father and Roman, he had no need for another. So with Serena as his God mother and Daddy and Roman his male figures. Blair put Chuck out of her mind.

She knew even if she wanted to tell him. It was far too late. Even if he wanted to be a part of his son's life, she knew he could never forgive her. So she didn't tell him and the lie continued. Until Nate. She thought being spring break everyone except Serena would be off holidaying at St Barts or the Hamptons. No one ever stayed in New York for spring break. So she had felt safe taking her son to the park. But out of nowhere, Nate appeared in front of her and the cool exterior that was Blair Waldorf had crumbled. Now two blocks from the café her heart was still racing and the desolated look on Nate's face when he saw Patrick was still fresh in her mind. When she rounded the corner and saw her best friend however some of the anxiety started to fade. Serena Van Der Woodsen could make anyone feel better. Blair's stride fasten, she reached Serena and enveloped her in the biggest hug. She had missed her best friend so much. She hadn't seen her in nearly six months and six months was far too long for best friends.

_"Blair oh my god. I've missed you so much."_ Serena was almost in tears. She loved Blair so much; it was unnatural to be away from her this long.

_"God I've missed you S. It's been so hard without you."_ Blair finally let go of her best friend and stood back to look at her. _"Beautiful as always."_ She laughed. It was Serena Ven Der Woodsen of course.

_"Blair where's Patrick?"_ Serena's eyes darted around Blair and the café hoping he was just off with Roman ordering or something.

_"Oh we were just in the park and you know how he is. Can't keep him clean for more than two seconds when we're around animals. Roman took him home."_ She quipped in a playful manner.

Serena pouted she loved her little God son like she had never loved anything before. He was just so cute. Blair often question her on how she could be so infatuated with her son but have such a dislike for his father. After all Patrick looked just like him. But all Serena could ever come up with was a shrug. She didn't know either. Maybe it was because she saw more of Blair in Patrick than Blair did herself.

Blair looked at her best friend. She was so glad she was in New York now. After this mornings events she didn't know what she would do without her best friend.

_"Serena I saw Nate."_ Blair slumped in her chair, covering her eyes. Very unladylike she knew but she didn't care. _"He saw Patrick."_

Serena looked at her friend cautiously. She knew she had more to say before it was her turn to speak.

Blair looked up at Serena. _"I've never seen him looking more shocked and hurt. He hates me."_ Tears started to pierce her eyes, but this time she didn't wipe them away.

"_You don't know that. He's probably just confused. I mean he never knew why you left and for him to all of the sudden see Patrick."_

Serena grabbed Blair's hand and held it tightly. _"He just needs anwers."_

_"I know I told him I'd go and see him but. What do I say? He's already seen Patrick he knows why I left."_ She pauses momentarily. _"S he's going to tell Chuck for sure."_

_"You don't know that? Nate hasn't always been the most observant. Maybe he didn't register, the link between Patrick and Chuck."_

Blair just looked at her best friend with disbelief. She knew her friend was blonde, but this was a new record low in stupidity.

_"Serena even a semi blind, semi retarded person could put two and two together in this scenario."_

Serena knew Blair was right. But perhaps just for a moment, they could pretend things weren't going to change.

_"What are you going to do?"_

_"Wait for the fall out I guess."_

* * *

Nate turned to look at his best friend. He needed answers and waiting for Chuck to snap out of this daze was not going to happen. 

_"When did you sleep with her?"_

Chuck slumped his head into his waiting hands. He had expected sharp pain to his face from Nate. Not questions. He wasn't sure which of the two would hurt more. He took a deep breath.

_"It started the night you guys broke up. I didn't mean for it to happen. I didn't mean for a lot of things to happen.."_

Nate was shocked. _"Wh.. When did it end?"_

_"Nate..?"_ Chuck pleaded.

Nate's eyes were fierce he needed answers too so he pushed on. _"When did it end?"_

_"The ball. She told me it was over."_ Chuck closes his eyes, he can't look at Nate._ "I couldn't be her prince. I wasn't you. I couldn't be you for her."_

Nate is taken back by the hurt in Chuck's words and he realises the truth.

_"Were you in love with her?"_

The words sting Chuck's heart, because he knows the truth. He's not sure Nate will forgive him if he says yes, but he knows he'll never be able to say no convincingly.

_"Nate.."_ He's pleading again hoping his best friend won't ask again.

Nate just looks at his best friend. He doesn't need to answer. He knows the truth. He just doesn't know how it happened.

Everything is falling into place. Finally Nate understands why his best friend was just as depressed as he was when she left.

_"Did you know that was why she left?"_

Chuck stands up and searches his pockets for a cigarette. He needs something to relieve the anger that is starting to form in his chest now.

_"No. It took me months to find her."_

Nate is blown away. He knew where she was all this time. _"You knew and you never said anything."_

_"No. I found her and she told me that.."_ his chest is heavy as he recalls that day. He never spoke to anyone about it and he tried to never think about it again. But he looks at Nate and knows that the truth might actually help.

_"She told me that she was pregnant. I thought it was yours."_

Nate looks at him with remorse. He loved her for most of his life and yet they never once were together. _"We never got the chance. She freaked out when her hair got caught in her necklace and well everything went downhill from there."_

Nate looks back to Chuck urging him to go on.

_"I can't even describe how I felt when I realised it was mine. I'd never felt anything like that my entire life. But I guess she didn't want me because I wasn't you."_

Nate is confused he doesn't understand. _"Why didn't you stay with her anyway?"_

Chuck's eyes are stinging again and the cigarette is no help because he doesn't have a lighter. The memories are as vivid as the pain that is writhing in his stomach.

_"She told me that she got rid of it. That she had an abortion. She said she couldn't come home and that she didn't want to see either of us anymore. I was in such shock I just believed her. I had no reason not to."_

Nate looks at his best friend. He's a shell. He doesn't even look like Chuck Bass. There's no sparkle in his eye and no smirk on his face. There's nothing left.

The whole in his heart is getting bigger and his pain is replaced with anger and confusion. He loves Blair, but he loves Chuck more. He needs to sort this out because at the moment they're all in pain and this isn't how life on the Upper East Side is supposed to be. Nate stands up. _"Come on lets get out of here. I need a drink."_

Chuck looks to his best friend. _"I need to see her. I need to see my son.."_

_"They're not going anywhere Chuck. Just give her a day. I don't think she's ready. She was pretty distressed when she saw me. Just give her time. We'll both go see her tomorrow."_

Chuck just nods. God he needs a drink. This is just too much to deal with and there's no Ashton to tell him it's a joke.

Chuck stops. _"Nate, uh what does he look like?"_ The trepidation in his voice seeps through in his face.

Nate smiles. _"You. He looks just like you."_

* * *

**Help once again. I know this took forever. But it was New Years and we here in Australia are always a day earlier which means while your celebrating we're hungover. **

**Anyway. Any advice on where I should go from here would be very helpful. Reviews are appreciated. A big thanks to gleechild who has helped me through this chapter.**


	10. Chapter 10

* * *

It's a warm spring afternoon and Blair Waldorf is uncharacteristically sweating.

_"Patrick honey please stop."_ She pleads with her son as she chases him around the living room. It's turned into a game and the little boy continues giggling as he runs from his mother. _"Patrick please I will not ask you again."_

Serena is perched in one of the large arm chairs looking at the event unfold. A smile breaches her face. She could not have imagined Blair Waldorf chasing any one let alone her son around her mothers living room.

Blair notices the smirk on her best friends face and chastises her too.

_"Serena don't laugh he thinks this is funny enough."_

_"I'm sorry its just so cute. He's just so cute when he's laughing."_

Frustration creeps onto Blair's features now. The game is getting old.

_"Patrick Alexander I will not ask you again!"_

* * *

Chuck is fidgeting with his tie as the elevator ascends to the top floor. Nate looks to his best friend, he's never seen him this nervous.

_"Stop it. It's gonna be fine. God I feel like your Mother."_ Nate laughs at the thought. When did he become the mature and responsible one.

_"I can't help it."_ Chuck is almost sweating. The last 24 hours have been unbearable.

The elevator bell dings as the doors open and they walk into the Waldorf foyer. They are greeted by and unusual sound, a little child giggling and Blair raising her voice at him.

_"Patrick Alexander I will not ask you again!"_

Chuck and Nate continue on to the living room to see Blair chasing her son around the furniture. Nate smiles, he had never once seen Blair this flustered and running in her own house. It was so unlike her. Chuck just looked at the little boy and his bright eyes and enormous smile. He was so handsome.

Blair's back was turned when the two men walked in so she didn't even register their presence.

_"Serena can you please not feed him candy next time. I can't handle him when he's like this."_

Serena is silent. She notices Chuck and Nate and is dumbfounded. God Blair doesn't need this just yet. Blair notices Serena's expression and turns to see what's caught her eye. Her heart drops and all the colour in her face is gone. _"Chuck."_

She doesn't know what to do. She wants to run but she knows it's too late for that.

Nate can tell she's falling apart already. He knew they should have rung earlier. At least let her prepare. _"Um I meant to call.."_

Chuck is transfixed on Blair and his son. For the first time ever Chuck Bass is completely speechless.

Little Patrick hasn't noticed anything, so he continues running wild. Serena takes the chance and picks him up. _"Patrick do you want to come up stairs and play with your toys?"_

Nate notices that Blair is transfixed on Chuck. She needs to talk to him first and he knows it so he goes to follow Serena.

_"I'll leave you two alone. Blair I'll just be upstairs with Serena."_

Blair knows that within seconds she'll be alone with Chuck and she has no idea what to do. They both watch Serena, Nate and Patrick leave. Before Chuck returns his gaze to her. Blair for the first time since he arrived looks him straight in the eye.

_"I uh I know your angry…"_ she stutters. Her breathing is erratic. She starts to speak again but Chuck cuts her off.

_"I'm not angry. I haven't got time to be angry. I've already missed three years."_

She notices the spite in his words though and she knows he must be restraining himself.

_"I just want to know why? I don't understand why you would tell me you had an abortion."_ He looks down at the floor, trying to gather his composure but all he can manage is a weak voice, filled with hurt. _"Did you hate the thought of us together that much?"_

Blair is taken back. She never wanted him to think that.

_"No that's not it."_ Her voice is breaking now.

_"Then why? Why did you do it?"_

Blair thought of the day those things were said. She never thought her heart could her so bad. Not until today anyway.

_"You were Chuck Bass; womanizer and playboy of the Upper East Side. You weren't Chuck Bass teen father. You weren't that person. And I couldn't do that to you. I couldn't let you sacrifice your life over a mistake."_

Chuck is gob smacked. How could she really think that. Tears stung both their eyes now. Blair slumped onto the lounge and Chuck moved to be closer to her. He sat down on the coffee table and look straight into her eyes

_"It wasn't a mistake. When you told me you were pregnant it was the happiest I'd ever felt. I would have done the right thing by you."_

Blair closes her eyes. _"I didn't want you to feel compelled to be with me just because I was pregnant or because of some sense of duty."_ She looks back at him.

He looks at her, tears rolling down her face. He loved her so much. But he never would have thought that she lied to him to protect him from fatherhood. Maybe she really loved him more than he thought.

_"Blair you know it wouldn't have been for that reason. The butterflies were real. I loved you. And I would have done anything to be with you."_

A heart-wrenching laugh escaped Blair's mouth. God it was never supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be the jackass she'd always know. Not this gentle and caring man. He was making this unbearable for her. But perhaps this is what she deserved?

_"I wanted to tell you, you know? It was just the more time passed, the harder it got. I mean I know you could never forgive me for what I did."_ A deep shuddering sound escapes Blair's mouth as she tries to inhale and keep the sobs at bay.

_"How could you? When I can't even forgive myself…"_

Chuck grabs her now and embraces her. She resists at first but melts into his chest. God he missed the feel of her, the smell of her hair. All he knows is that he never wants to let go of her again.

_"I love you Waldorf. Always have and always will."_ Chuck mumbles into her hair as she grips onto him even tighter.

_"I know we can work this out.. unless of course you.. um and Nate"_

He's scared again. What if she still doesn't want to be with him. I mean she was in love with Nate since grade school. God he couldn't bear if she chose Nate over him again once was hard enough but now with his son in the picture. All he knew was that he couldn't let it happen again.

Blair pulled herself out of Chuck's embrace. She looked into his big brown eyes.

"_It's not like that Chuck. I didn't come back here for Nate. I just need him to understand what happened between us. I know I got over the white picket fence illusion the day Patrick was born I just need to make sure he is."_

Chuck looks at her. He's still scared. He knows Nate is still in love with her as well.

_"And if he isn't?"_

Blair looks back at Chuck she sees that same vulnerability she saw the night of her 17th birthday.

_"I don't know. I can't deal with him. Patrick is my first priority everything else comes second."_

He looks hurt and she can tell.

_"I don't know what's happening here."_ She says looking at Chuck. She's scared and it shows.

_" I don't know either all I know is that I can't lose the two of you. Not when I've just got you back."_ Chuck leans in and wipes her tears away with his hand. She smiles. His proximity makes her heart flutter and she knows she's a goner.

_"Blair. Um Patrick. Does he know about me?"_

She looks at him and shakes her head. _"I never knew what to say and he's not old enough yet to start asking."_ She holds his gaze and inhales deeply. _"Would you like to meet your son, Chuck?"_

He smiles back at her and the butterflies are back. _"Yes. Yes more than anything."_

Blair stands up and grabs his hand and leads him up the stairs.

* * *

**OK I just had the idea of Blair chasing an energetic 3 yr old around the house and this is what followed. Yes/No Tell me what you think or what you wanna see happen.**


	11. Chapter 11

OK so apparently I joined the writers strike as well. And yes that was a poor attempt at a joke. I actually need some serious help and input. Because in my mind C/B live happily ever after. I need some guidance. Any help would be appreciated. I've just started college so I'm a little preoccupied but I do want to finish this.

Also another apology to people who get an alert for a new chapter just to get this. Sorry. I need direction cos for me Chuck finding out was the conclusion but then I wrote it with gaps so I could elaborate.

HELP


	12. Chapter 12

His fingers entwine with hers and she can feel it in the pit of her stomach again. And this time its more than butterflies. It's the sinking feeling of fear and anxiety. It's too soon. Everything is moving too fast. She knows she just can't go and suddenly give Patrick a father. He's not ready. But in all honesty she knows she's not ready to trust him just yet. Its been three years, she's not the same Blair she was in high school and she prays he's not the same Chuck. Blair stops at the landing and turns to Chuck.

"So where are you going to school these days? I do recall your fleeting fascination with Princeton."

Chuck looks up at her slightly put off by this sudden inquisition.

"Uh no I'm at Yale like Bart always wanted."

Blair is surprised. She always imagined Chuck would follow Nate to Dartmouth. Her face gives away her surprised and Chuck is quick to take notice. 

"You're surprised?"

Blair looks at him doe eyed. "Of course not, I'm a little jealous actually." She stifles a laugh. "So how is it? Is it everything I always dreamed of?"

Chuck is thrown off. It's been three years but he can still read her like a book. She's stalling and for once he's scared to ask why. 

"Blair what's wrong?"

"What?" Blair scoffs at him hoping the Bitch is still inside her somewhere.

Chuck could always tell when Blair was being defensive and now was no different. Except for the fact that her voice waivered. He's scared now. There's something wrong. She's changed her mind. She's made a mistake. She wants Nate. She's backing away from him. Chuck's heart drops to the pit of his gut. "Blair" he pleads.

She breaks. She always breaks around Chuck. Time does not change that little fact. She sees the hurt in his eyes. Blair turns to the bay seat in the hallway and ushers Chuck to join her. She breathes deeply, she's hurt him so much already she's not sure how he'll handle her next demand.

"Chuck. I know my actions have hurt you and if I could take it back I would." She pauses. "But I can't. I can't change the fact that you didn't get the chance to see your son born. That you didn't get to hear his first words or see his first steps. But I also can't change the fact that Patrick grew up without a father."

Chuck's confused. He's not sure where she's going with this one. "Ok"



"Chuck I know I don't really have the right to ask this but ... Can we not tell Patrick you're his father just yet. I just I need to know this is going to work. I can't..." she strengthens her tone and continues "I will not have his life thrown into chaos. "

Chuck pulls back a little. His heart is breaking again. She doesn't trust him.

Blair can tell Chuck isn't taking this well. Oh god this is not how she imagined this moment.

"Chuck" she pleads reaching for his hand. "Just get to know him first. Learn from him. Show me you can do this. Please."

The tears are gathering in her eyes again. She knows she's losing him. Again. Chuck's never been one for ultimatums and she knows it.

He looks at her, her eyes glistening, he knows she's scared of his reaction. So gathering all the composure he can manage he simply says. "Ok Blair I'll wait."

Blair lets out a little laugh and hugs him.

Chuck loves the feel of her in his arms. If she ever gave him the choice he'd never let her go. He smiles into her hair. "I'm scared too you know."

Blair pulls back and looks into Chuck's eyes. 

"I know that just because biologically he's my son doesn't mean I'm a father yet. I know that Blair. But I will do whatever I have to, to show you I can be a good father for our child." Chuck reaches for her hand. "I may take a while I mean I don't have a lot to go one. Bart wasn't exactly a good example. But I promise you Blair I will do what ever it takes to be there for him."

Blair looks at the guy sitting in front of her and smiles. He's caring, considerate, honest. She doesn't know this Chuck and she's a little excited.

"Chuck Bass when did you become a gentleman?"

Chuck looks back at her with his famous smirk. "I may have grown up Waldorf. But gentleman? Never"

Blair punches him lightly. "Well it's nice to know you're still in there somewhere."

She looks to the guest room and back to Chuck. "So are you ready?"

Chuck smiles. "I thought you'd never ask?"

Blair stands up straightens her dress out and breathes deeply, before reaching for Chuck's hand. "Ok"

As Blair and Chuck walk into the guest lounge room, they hear the sound of lions roaring. The tv is blaring with the sounds of the Nature Channel. Blair rolls her eyes at Serena.

"What it's the only thing that shuts him up and you know it." Serena turns to Chuck. "Hey Chuck"



Chuck is too busy staring at Patrick to notice the two women in the room and that's definitely a first for any Bass.

Blair notices and can't help but smile. "Patrick honey can you come to Mommy please there's someone I'd like you to meet."

Patrick looks at his Mother and back to the TV screen. He's like a child being told there's no santa.

"Please."

Even at the age of three Patrick was a dutiful son and Blair knew she couldn't have asked for anything more. However she was always surprised how the child of Chuck Bass could ever be so dutiful?

"Patrick honey I want you to meet a very special friend of mine." She ushers Chuck to steps forward. "This is Charles Bass."

Patrick extends his hand to Chuck and proudly states "Mr Bass its very nice to meet you. I'm Patrick Alexander Waldorf"

Chuck beams at the child. God he was so like Blair. He was perfect. Chuck bends down to shake Patricks hand so they are eye level. 

"Why thank you Patrick, it's very nice to meet you too. But you can call me Chuck. Mr Bass is my father."

"Ok Chuck." Patrick smiles.

"So Patrick I see you love Lions" Chuck indicates towards the Tv screen. 

Patrick's eyes light up he loves lions, almost as much as he loves his mother and he never gets tired of either. 

"I love lions they're so pretty and strong. Like Mommy."

Chuck beams. Yep this was definitely his kid. He's only three and he already knows how to sweet talk the women. 

"So Patrick have you seen the lions at Central Park Zoo yet?"

Patrick's eyes go wild. Blair had never let him go near a live lion yet. "No. Mommy" he squeals "There are lions in central park!"

"Yes honey I know."

"So Patrick how would you like to go to the zoo?"

"Oh yes please. Mommy can we please?"

"Not today honey it's 5 o'clock in the afternoon. You and Chuck can go tomorrow"



Patrick's smile suddenly disappears and is replaced with a quivering lip and doe eyes targeted at Blair.

"Don't give me that look Paddy. You and Chuck can spend the day tomorrow at the zoo. Watch the lion king with Chuck now if you like but you are not going to the zoo until tomorrow and that's final."

Chuck just sits back and watches the exchange. God he loves her when she takes charge but most of all he loves how she almost caves to Patrick. He smirks. Blair has always had a weakness for charming Bass boys.

"Come on Patrick let's watch the Lion King. I've never seen it."

Patrick looks back to Chuck excitement written all over his face. "How can you not have seen it?"

"I dunno it's a mystery to me too."

Both of them go and sit on the sofa as Blair selects the Lion King on the Tivo. 

"Ok you two can watch a movie and I'll just be down stairs with Aunty Serena."

"Ok Mom"

"Chuck I'll just need to talk to Serena for like 5 minutes"

"Blair it's alright ok. I've got it. Take as long as you like."

She smiles. She knows they're fine together but she's still nervous. She looks to Serena who's already heading for the door. Blair lingers looking at her son and the man who stole her heart all those years ago. Seeing them together like that is something Blair had been dreaming about for almost three years. The feeling is surreal and she just wants to savour it for a little bit longer.

Chuck looks back and sees Blair lingering over them. He smiles, he can tell she's nervous.

"Blair" he says calmly "I've got it. We'll be fine"

She smiles at Chuck. "Ok"

Blair turns and walks towards the door as she grabs the handle she glances back at Chuck again.

"GO"

She steps outside to see Serena standing against the banister with a huge smile on her face.

"I know Serena I know."

"What are you gonna do?"

Blair smiles and reaches for her chest. "I dunno? Try and not loose my heart again I guess?"

Serena walks to Blair and embraces her in a huge chest crushing hug. She steps back and looks at her best friend.

"So what are you gonna tell Nate?"



Blair's smile fades. "The truth."

"And that is?"

Blair heads for the stairs but looks back at Serena. "I'll tell him that he broke my heart and that Chuck healed it. That I'm sorry I hurt him I never meant to."

Serena catches up with Blair as they enter the lounge room. "What will you say about Chuck?"

"I'm not sure yet, I don't think I'm in love with your best friend is really sufficient!"

"It's a start."

* * *

**OK so there has been a little pressure for this not to suck and I didn't want to ruin this. I'm no uni hols so Ive got a wk of free time. Im super excited for ep14. Chuck's lines in ep13 about Blair really made it difficult for me to keep writing. But here's what I ended up with. If u dont like it tell me. But please be a little nice about it. xoxo Sterlo90**


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